Funny Barbering Tales from Abroad

We’ve all gone to a roadside barber who keeps one eye on your hair and another on Singham’s action sequences on the television in the mirror, at least once. And that does make us all flinch a little.  But then my friends abroad have relayed some barber stories to me that we, Indians, have absolutely nothing on. Or so I bet. So here they go: 

1. It was a busy Saturday. I’d to wait twenty minutes for my turn despite getting a bloody appointment in advance. The whole place was bustling with blokes waiting and chatting (inconsiderably) loudly on their phones. Anyway, then my barber says “Good day mate. How ya’ goin?  Listen, I haven’t eaten all day. Ya don’t mind if I get a bite, righ? Thanks.” Before I could say okay, he goes inside and walks out with a bigass bucket of KFC chicken wings and places them on a stool next to where he’s standing. Every now and then, he puts his tools aside, stuffs his mouth with a few big bites of chook, wipes his hands on his apron, and continues with the haircut while chewing. The worst bit- I was salivating. He couldn’t offer me some, huh?

Oliver, Melbourne, Australia, 42

2. My regular barber, great guy by the way, farts while he’s styling my hair. Very casually, he sprays hair spray into the air around me. And then he swats the air around my head fashionably like if he’s trying to get the hairspray particles to land in my hair. So, I continue the conversation as if nothing happened, even though I have never once used hairspray in my life, and he knows it.

Harry, Cambridge, England, 60

3. This guy had phone sex with his girfriend while cutting my hair. He thought the noise around us was drowning his voice out, but mumbling wasn’t his strong suit. So a couple of times, and this is me filling in the blanks, his girlfriend said “What? I can’t hear you.” And he had to say “I will make you scream so bad” a little louder.I didn’t even check my haircut. I didn’t even make eye contact with him. He lost his tip.

Daniel, NYC, USA, 29

So, aren’t we lucky? It’s ridiculous how most places now hire professional barbers, so we have to stick to memsahib’s drama and politics over drinks. 

(Names have been changed to protect ‘innocent’ barbers and clients everywhere.)